Thursday, May 29, 2008

In the Beginning....

***I am not a doctor, or something with alot of initals behind my name. I am just a woman, wife and mother of two. I have been through the anxiety and lived to tell my story. Please follow the advice of your doctor. The following might just be some ideas to put peace in your life.***

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For over five years I suffered from debilitating anxiety. After leaving the doctors office after my first panic attack with a prescription in hand and a pat on the back, I decided I would not let the Anxiety define my life. I was determined to find a way to end the fear and panic.

I can remember the night my anxiety started. I was riding in the car with my family late one evening & briefly closed my eyes on the ride home. A thought came into my mind that I would not live forever, and I had no idea when it would all end. Seems like a simple thought that most people have had, however it invoked pure panic in me. I soon was consumed with my mortality. Little did I know that my world was about to swallow me up.

Slowly, I grew more agitated, withdrawn, and moody. On the night of April 21, 2004 I woke up from a sound sleep after my heart felt like it had been pulled across the room and snapped back. I truly thought I was having a heart attack and this was the end. I quickly grew hot, the back of my neck tensed up and my arms and legs felt numb. I walked into my office and I could hardly breathe, my vision was off and seemed like I was in another place. My husband told me he thought I was having a panic attack and gave me a glass of water. My hands and legs began to shake. Looking back I am surprised I didn’t go to the hospital, but I think I was so afraid to find out what was really wrong with me. After an hour all symptoms were gone, but that is the night I became afraid of bedtime. Insomnia was the next addition to my growing situation.

The panic attacks grew more frequent and the insomnia was lingering. As evening came, I found myself looking for anything to preoccupy my mind. Soon I began looking for triggers that I thought were causing my attacks. I had been to the doctor, received a though check-up. Then I was referred to a cardiologist for a heart evaluation full of heart monitor and ultrasound. Funny how anxiety makes you doubt your doctors. I was convinced that they had missed something. I became a hypochondriac. My dear friend is a nurse, I have sent all kinds of articles and questions to her to see if I have some deadly disease. I was sure I had them all. I also became very afraid of medication. Even asprin made me nervous. But, had I not been so scared there were a few times I would have taken the medication. I was just convinced that all the side effects would happen to me.

In an effort to find peace I quit my job, repainted my bedroom, changed my routine, went back to work, changed the type of clothing I wore, gave up sugar, gave up artificial sweeteners, caffeine, the nightly news, the newspaper, movies, and television. I don’t even want to mention how many nutrition books, anxiety books and religious books I purchased. I made a decision from the start that it happened for a reason and I would find the answer.

I have a trunk full of stories that I quietly keep inside. No one ever understood. Everyone just had their version. Compassion was not something I ever ran across. You are just crazy were the looks that I received. I didn’t want it to define me, but it had.

I want to be that shoulder that I so desperately needed in the middle of the night, when no one was there to listen. I am anxiety and depression free & I want to share with you how I did it.
Please bookmark my Blog. I want to take this journey with you laughter, tears and all.

I look forward to the day when you are a Hatched Egg too!

1 Comment:

FlyBabe said...

Hi there - Nurse Patrice here. I am bursting with pride - you are my greatest inspiration and I have learned so much from you. You are brave and couragous, strong and mighty, and you loved yourself to health, happiness. You lifted yourself to the light and you are one beautiful Hatched Egg! I am proud and honored to know you and call you my dearest friend. Here's to much success on your mission to help others, you have truly found your calling. And you look like a million bucks too! You are a ROCK STAR and I love you !!! Your FlySister forever, Patrice :)